This is truly 30 years of life for me, I can say that now and sound like an established adult. The key word is ‘sound’ since most of the time I question what it means to be an adult and what did I do to deserve this. Remember the days when mom would say “you want to be grown, trust me you’re gonna wish you were a kid!” She’d even chuckled as if I said if I were the funniest joke she’s heard Even our grandparents would remind how hard things were for them and how they wish we’d slow down when it comes to just about everything. I wanted to be something that I had no idea of how to be. And the laughter, that was probably her thinking about how she was grown at the time and still didn’t know what it truly meant. Whether you’re reading this from your phone as you’re slouched in your chair waiting to punch the clock or rising up and getting ready to go out and get it, you get it!
Life can only be truly what you make of it but there’s no right or wrong way to live especially when you have life. Some people believe that time is the main ingredient to living others believe its measures of wealth or accomplishments. As I sit at my desk patiently waiting to make my exit into this Friday’s winter time rush I am hit with so much anxiety. Complaining is something that I try not to do but I need you to feel me on this. My anxiety is puzzled as to where it really belongs, half of me feels elated to finish out the rest of my day free from work meetings and conference calls. Sure, I am free to go about my weekend as I see fit but truly I need to be working. I don’t earn enough to just sit around and relax so my mind automatically starts breaking down the remainder of funds in my checking account. Should I get more food, gas is running a little low but I would like a drink, I mean I deserve one right, I ask myself. Every Friday, this time, these feelings they’re all the same. My thoughts turn into indecisive actions that convince me that it’s all too much and that I should just go home to figure it all out. Once home I remember exams needing to be studied for, photography vlogs/webinars that need to be watched and then I remember you.
You, you’re the key to everything that I do and also that problem behind the things that I am not doing. I feel you hold me back but I really need you to hold me down. Better than Alchemist and Prodigy described in their 2004 track, deeper than Jazmine sung as she begged her man to be there. I need you, all of you. See, I am not one to get jealous but I will neglect, I’ll abuse and I may even mis-educate but I still love you. My focus is shifted when I don’t have you around, if you fall in love, get your feeling hurt or just slip into a bad mood what am I supposed to do? I can’t handle when I can’t discern where you want me to be. I blame you for everything because I don’t have anyone else to look too. You don’t like for me to tell our business but I have to if I am going to be okay. Okay like for real not that fake okay that leaves me crying on the drive to work or up at night wishing I was anybody else but me. Five years ago you promised me that we would change and things would be different, the sacrifice and pain were all triggers that forced us to be better. We went through so much shit and talked about a plan for being better, reaching goals, accomplishing all that we set out to do. A year later you were doing good but not great, you wanted to go out, be seen and yeah even fuck some people and I let you because you were always responsible. You’re almost perfect and I held you to that and then you got comfortable. Everyone was telling you that you were the one and that made you feel validated. You’ve secretly craved that attention almost your entire life and you were getting it. You tried to ignore me but I saw your flaws, I was the only one who knew you were pretending, telling everyone I am an actor. That was all bullshit because you weren’t that good, you actually look more like a victim. Not any violent crime, not just a victim of fake love, fake acceptance and false hope. You want me to lie and tell you what you want to hear when I was the only one handing you a piece of YOUR truth. You’re damaged and traumatized so what do you think that means for future?
A few years later you’re glow that gained all the stares and compliments have faded. Stars continue to shine but you seem to fall short of your shimmer. I heard you crying and complaining that things are so hard for you and you don’t know why.
I’m here to let you know that it’s all because of you, you’ve lost the key ingredient to what fights your battles through the wins. You’re all the life and love you’ve ever needed. No one can compare to the love I have for you and that’s because we are all that we have is us. In this life you have to learn how to know when you’ve gone too far and not with them, with me. If I need you to pay attention or listen to what we should be doing instead of what everyone else is doing, it’s just that. I’ve been with you for 30 years and still you look to other to complete parts of you that you still don’t know. So in this moment right now, I say to you, self are you ready to love? Can you handle closing doors and broken relationships enough to know that you’re all you need to get by?
Life is never going to be what you expect it to be especially when the lens you’re looking through is from someone else’s glasses. Let’s stay away from jobs that make us feel like we shouldn’t be working and people who hurt us like we shouldn’t be loving. Friendships, family and romantic partnerships are all based on community values versus personal wants and needs. Could you really love yourself that you are looking for someone else to love you? Are you up for someone communicating with you the way you don’t communicate with yourself? Raise a glass and lets toast to you and just know that even if they all leave you behind, I will always wait on you.
Vashon Wade 2018