The Payment in Patience

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Sa·mar·i·tan
səˈmerətn/
noun
noun: Good Samaritan
  1. 1.
    a charitable or helpful person (with reference to Luke 10:33).
  2. 2.
    a member of a people inhabiting Samaria in biblical times, or of the modern community in the region of Nablus claiming descent from them, adhering to a form of Judaism accepting only its own ancient version of the Pentateuch as Scripture.

A few months back I spoke on how the world has a lot of the same people in it. The differences we hold may be in the way we look, the way we speak but there’s somebody who usually holds character traits similar to someone you’ve met along your life’s journey. There are some of us who understand what it means to self-prioritize; we stay out of the way and try to remain focused on our own lives and how we thrive only. Others are caught up in the succession of things; wanting to live life through accomplishments whether it relates to romantic relationships or own careers. Then you have those other people who are sometimes looked at as passive or maybe even weak because they’re want to help other be the best that they can be. These people look and sound a lot like myself, taking time out of each and every day to donate. These donations don’t come cheap and they are usually not in the form of money. Time, work and effort can all be given to someone with extreme measures. Say you are a person who enjoys your morning coffee before heading into work. You have three co-worker whom you work closely with and like to consider them as great ‘work’ friends. The nice female who sits across from you brings coffee sometimes but make it obvious that she cannot always afford to stop because she catches the bus to work and doesn’t want to be late. Then there’s the cool gay guy who stops by to chat and sometimes brings you tasty treats to share over office gossip. Lastly the overworked young woman who you took a liking to because she just wants to excel from being the office flunky so bad. This girl is awesome at what she does but she has to bend to the hypocrisy of the boss that you all could care less for. The common factor that they all share is the subtle kindness that they’ve shown you throughout your time at your company. Your salary is as stably as a needle in a haystack and your addiction to coffee is not helping you save your pennies. Still, you want to show them how you recognize who they are what they do to make your workplace comfortable so you purchase a box’o joe for you guys to share. Although you don’t know if you can commit to this gesture daily it makes you smile to see the amount of gratitude shown these few. Continue reading “The Payment in Patience”

I’m an ACTOR

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Sometimes I wake up not knowing what or who I will have to be today. Instantly considering if it’s all worth it or not. I am so exhausted. Brushing my teeth I greet my partner with a dry good morning, as I cry inside. He smiles and moves on to rolling over to continue his rest. “Left leg in now the other” I say to myself in a sort of surly tone. My stomach is up too early to crave food, my mind attempts to collect itself while my eyes burn. As the night battles with the day I walk out the door wondering if today will be the last of this. Can I go on moving through the world not knowing when this scene will end? Without choice I leave walking at a slow but steady pace. This seems like a constant replay of something I’ve seen and done but I must be positive. The drive is very calming because it’s early so I let Prince do his job at attempting to relieve my anxiety as I am about to go on in minutes.

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Here I am because I am, arriving to a place that I only want to see me driving away from. The call time is too early, the people are fake friendly and the purpose is a pay check that I have to fight for daily. Is it enough for me to walk through the door questioning why I am here or should I just go? I walk in as I am greeted with “Good morning, how are you?” I respond in a way that is polite enough to not be rude but dry enough to sense the suffering. No hair, no make up just action as I turn on the computer, the phone rings. I answer only to be called to duty, again and again. This is what they call work but I call it Continue reading “I’m an ACTOR”

Without a Sound

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Captions courtesy of rapper Fabolous’ SnapChat

Sometimes I talk too much, even when I want to shut up I just can’t. There’s always a point to be proven, a person to be shown and an opportunity to be missed. This is called being distracted by the unnecessary. For instance, you ask someone to do you a favor within a particular time frame. Things are planned but then there’s a problem, you’re hit with the “I may be late or something came up I will have to get with you later.” In that moment you’re stuck on the fact that what you asked couldn’t be done in the timeframe you would’ve liked. You become upset and begin to harbor feelings toward the person. They reach out to you to attempt to still be there and do the favor you asked for earlier just not in enough time that you would’ve wanted. You refuse or maybe even ignore them. This is not right, everything that may be your urgency shouldn’t become someone else’s emergency. This is called being selfish and paying attention to the wrong things.

Life can sometimes hide the things you’re supposed to have within the people, places or things you ignore. We have to learn how to quiet down our egos so that we can see the light. I know that even in the best of times I may not always be willing to be a team player. Even when it comes to my relationship, being a team player means staying up late past my self-assigned bedtime based on the amount of sleep I feel that I require. Taking myself and what I want out of the equations of everyday life and feelings to show that I am willing to listen. Not making it a point to rush myself to bed because  my partner may be in his feelings and needs my undivided attention. The choice I make as to whether I see what he needs and listen accordingly will play a major role in what I may learn from sacrifice my lips for my ears. Pay attention to the signs, coming early and staying late will always offer you more than you’ve bargained for. Whether it’s dealing with that job you hate but need for a little while longer or staying quieter to see all the sides of an issue before offering a response. You never know what can come out of effective listening. Read that last sentence over and over again until it sets in you mind, body and soul.  Continue reading “Without a Sound”

I’m The Only Woman

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I will walk away from him because he’s never going to change but I love him. So many times I try to find ways to cover up feelings of what I want versus what I pretend. Too many nights I cry for half the night about my struggle. I don’t make a lot of money and I want my kids to have everything but I can’t trust him. Too many reasons to name but its been so many years and we have all of this so I stay. Tired, useless, and sad is what I feel for the majority of the day because crying will just take too long and we have kids. I can’t see them because I am behind my wall. This wall was not built for them but I can’t separate the two so they will just have to crawl up because I’m too upset to take this down. The man that I love doesn’t listen to me as he never did but that was the beginning and I didn’t need that.

His dick was enough for me, I could ride it all day long and that was honestly when we were at our happiest or I thought. See, I never knew him until I knew the pain he caused me. According to him though “you love to be mad and to argue I just want to let it go…we are just different.” So different that he fucked three other women over the last few years and it wasn’t just once. He loved them (as I cry and burn of red lava caught in my reflection), I know because it lasted too long. How can I be whole with a man who gives me pieces of him? I have so much on my plate I can’t worry about him I just have to focus on me and my kids. Me and my kids, I know I’m not the best mother but I really put up with him for them. They love their dad and he is great with them when I tell him to be. Damn it hurts for me to know that I can’t have all that I want. I want to just smash his fucking head in every time he acts like he didn’t cheat on me. What about me? What about my kids? Can I really be a 38 year old bitch starting over with 2 kids and this job? I hate this job but my kids need to be taken care of and I won’t depend on a man who doesn’t give me what I need.  Continue reading “I’m The Only Woman”

Lil’ Kim: Custom Made (Give It To You)

Lil Kim What Happen_Fotor_Fotor.jpgAs I begin to type I immediately  feel conflicted about writing an article on someone who I consider to be my ultimate worldly influence, mentor in my head, best friend, favorite female rap artist, hero, I could seriously go on and on about the Queen Bee herself Lil’ Kim. I can remember my first introduction to her as it seems like yesterday and not twenty years ago when I walked into my neighbors house after school to hear an unfamiliar voice coming from their tv room. “…Grab on it quick as this chick get deep” the young girl from Brooklyn uttered as I forgot everything and wanted more, despite being 9 years old I just needed to get to know her. The crass and direct lyrics showcasing her light/deep voiced flow mixed with hood and confidence the pint size rapper was enough for me to know that I was too young for her kind of entertainment. She was a teacher and I was the student eager to learn everything that was Little Kim (at the time). I would then go on a rampage walking 6 miles to Dazz Records which was where you went when you wanted any and everything music back then. I saved all my money to get a cassette single of Junior M.A.F.I.A.’s Get Money. I was sold, her enthusiasm for sexual talk mixed with a diary of street metaphors was enough to let me know that she was THE REAL Queen Bee. The Notorious B.I.G.’s influence along with the Bad Boy Family stamp helped sell her to the world when I had already knew that my loyalty lied with the young Biggie proclaimed queen. Over the years I would absorb everything Kimberly Denise Jones whether it was begging my mother to purchase Right On and Word Up magazines or buying her ‘alleged’ porn tape from the bootleg man I would never not support Kim. She helped me understand what it meant to be different as I was just that, different. An obviously gay Black teenage boy sitting in my room studying her provocative lyrics and ever changing stage looks. For hours hanging up pictures while blaring her lyrics from my CD walkman was the highlight of my days. The internet and social media craze had not been thought about so I had to rely on anything I could get my hands on to re-ignite my fire for Lil’ Kim. One thing was for sure, she always gave something to gush over, remember “titty out like what I don’t give a fuck.”She reminded us in her lyrics of how much of a free spirited chameleon she was and over twenty years later she remains just that.

Which brings me to the point of why I am writing this. After awakening to at least 33 text messages all of the same thing is what alarmed me only to find that they all were about the same thing asking the same question. What happen to Lil’ Kim’s face? Have you seen Kim lately she looks bad? What’s wrong with Lil’ Kim she used to be so pretty? These messages were coming from every which way and much to my dismay even CNN the acclaimed news network had presented the same question. Now everyone who knows me knows that I live for Kimberly and everything that is associated with the Lil’ Kim brand but I could not answer any of those questions. Instead I would immediately defend her and bring up how she has always played with her looks as it is apart of everything Lil’ Kim. Could it have been in relation to a few alleged abusive relationships? These variables may have played a part in her wanting to just adjust her look. Truth is I don’t know what led to Kim possibly playing with her face, I could only speak for my experience when seeing her in person. My dreams of laying my own eyes on the queen would eventually happen around 2011 during a New York stop on her then Return Of The Queen tour. As my sister and I stood in a line that wrapped around the block 3 times I would get more than I bargained for as a pearl two-door Bentley GT coupe would pull up and stop right where we stood. After seeing Kim’s brother Chris, her then make up artist and body guard Big Grizz (yes I know everyone) exit the vehicle I knew this was IT! She graciously exited the vehicle wearing a light pink Juicy Couture sweat suit, a solid four feet eleven and fresh faced as she wanted to be I was in awe. She was nothing like any of the pictures I had seen up until that point. There was clear evidence of her face being slightly lighter but she was beyond beautiful and so naturally still Little Kim. Once inside I would notice how light she really looked and how the make up she wore was mixed with the horrible lighting was not a good mix. I wanted to scream as I knew the internet would have yet another field day tearing down yet another bad photo of Lil’ Kim. Fast-forward four years later to me seeing her again at a ratchet club appearance but I could not resist, it was too close to home and it was the Queen Bee so how couldn’t I. The experience was unparalleled to my previous experience although talks of her appearance were even more prevalent I knew what I was in for and that was a dynamic performance by the Queen herself. I stood directly at the stage throughout the entire time literally having a front-row seat (standing) to get another look at her face. She was nothing short of beautiful and smelled heavenly, although she’s never directly addressed plastic surgery rumors, once again it was evident that her nose was not the same as the one from 96′. Even her ass had a little bit more than Jesus probably intended but we live in an age where everyone with the money to do it plays with their look. With plastic surgery being just as common as going to the nail salon and getting  a polish change why is her appearance an issue? As she stood in front of me with better make up, clothing and hair than before she was stunning and looked like money. IMG_3745.jpgI had two friends with me whom I had completely tuned out as I was in a daze at the fact that my face had been practically buried in her crotch the entire night, she would even go on to take my iPhone and pose for a selfie. LIT is an understatement spewing out hit after hit as the club shook like a category 5 earth quake. Lil’ Kim was still the Queen Bee and it was felt all around.

So why is her appearance more relevant than any new music or business venture she may be involved in? Maybe it’s because today’s society is made up of superficial values perpetuated by social media likes, blogs and comment sections that usually go against anything that is not depicted to be beautiful, relevant or appropriate to the standards of people who were babies when Lil’ Kim was in prime. Leaving it up to those who know her as the Queen Bee and not Beyonce either (I LOVE BEY THOUGH LOL) to defend her title and legacy. Understanding how she had always played with her look and her as a legend alone is just not to be compared to any other female or rapper for that respect. You can guarantee that a Lil’Kim classic verse will come on while you’re in the club or traffic jam solidifies her as somebody who has done more than had a little work done. So why are we paying more attention to her looks which are not as bad as the media depicts after a little make up play and photo filters. Has her talent been replaced by her ever changing looks enough to ignore her illustrious bars on her new mixtape Lil’ Kim Season? As she quotes in her rendition of Plies’ Ritz Carlton, entitled Fountain Bleu “..a wealthy gutter bitch out of public housing where we scream fuck the where we scream fuck the other side, no arousement Chanel laboard 250 wiley, I’m talking $250,000 ($50,000) spent a wraith off in Neiman Marcus I should get payed to shop at Neiman Marcus.” Lil’ Kim speaks on how being a wealthy, gutter bitch is something she is not new too. Proclaiming her as the Queen Bee more now than ever being on the cusp of an upcoming nation wide tour, new music and many more appearances it seems as if her facial features still won’t hold back her undeniable talent. Having recently attended the Barclays Center Bad Boy Reunion show I can attest to what she told us long ago, she’s rich and she’s gonna stay that so shut up BITCH!

Vashon Wade 2016

You should smile more…

Today could have been so low, the clouds in the sky already set the tone. Waking up I wanted to close my eyes and just go back to not seeing. But once again we must get up and just do our thing. Do you know of anyone that did not wake up?

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HIS OUTLOOK: Looking as nice as I can look I rush out the door despite my conflicting feelings and I just go. Another job interview, so I guess that means holding the door for others, pleasantly greeting them with fake smiles and meaningless conversation. I wonder if this Hugo Boss “Pure” I have on is covering up the smog in my attitude. I swear I could have just stayed in bed and pretended to care another time. Sometimes I get jealous, they don’t know though, I really don’t even know who “they” are but I envy them. Man I swear I just put gas in my car and now look I need more but whatever. Arriving here flustered and just out of breath I made it. As I sit and listen to this interviewer I realize that once again I am being proposed with lackluster promises of substantial employment. Hmm I wonder did they even read the resume or am I just another “suit” that they’ll use to fill in the gaps where this company lacks. I have a Bachelor’s degree and a mighty extensive resume but I won’t say. Let me just keep  smiling and prove myself through my wit and conversation. Seems like I am being looked over but I won’t assume because that’ll just piss me off and I really need this. Do I really or should I just pretend like I do until everyone knows my name? God I am so talented when will people know?

THEIR OUTLOOK: Wow who is this young black guy with this suit and tie on? Seems like he could potentially be a good kid. Looks as though he works at some kind of corporate place doing business things or maybe he’s going to court. I bet he just holds the door for white women or men of standard not considering me because I’m a young black chic HA! Nice look but why must his beard be that thick oh well I will hold the elevator for him but I will NOT make conversation with this nigger. He is probably here because he thinks he could have a job like mines but it’s not likely; especially for “them.” Well maybe this guy can be good for right now, it wouldn’t matter anyway because he could be replaced if anything…

REALITY: When you awake and realize your living and breathing you should do just that. Take no time to frown, complain or develop feeling of ill will towards the day. Sometimes we go through things to merely learn lessons to help us build upon our lives. Confidence should exude your spirit until it shows through your attitude and character. Life will continue to be unpredictable but you set boundaries for yourself and that’s why you must break them. There’s no reason why you can’t do anything but there are tons of reasons of why you should be doing something. Even I get weak and feel like giving up whether it’s waking up to go look for work or taking the time out to write for this blog but sacrifice breeds success and I refuse to lose. If you not you then who? If not now then when?

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J.V.

Why? Thank You

Hello, good morning I am having a rather interesting day figuring out what to do and how to do it. Life could use an instruction manual in my opinion, not even to be ahead of the game but just to obsolete the BS. Today isn’t directly about me though but about something I watched happen and how it made me feel. If you care read on and who knows this might be about you too!


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Seems to me like expectations get higher as time goes on and on. I hear so many people speak about what they want from a person or what they expect from their job. Listing the amount of times someone neglected to pay them back or return a favor. I am also a victim of expecting gratitude for an extension of help I’ve given. Probably should listened to mom when she said, “if you can’t give it don’t lend it.” Hey we live learn and prosper (majority of the time) but do we actually learn? If I let you borrow money from me when I know that you are someone who does not pay what you owe what does that make me? How can I have high expectations of you returning something borrowed when that’s not in your makeup? Let’s just take it a step further, I am in a relationship and with that sometimes comes love. I love this person so much that I occasionally go out and pick them up little gifts. It could be a nice card and some chocolate or a nice pair of pants. My thoughts drift to wanting to please this person and a gift is my way of sometimes showing. When it’s presented they smile or gasp at the thought and gift but quickly return to their natural state. You would think that I should be upset or just so done that I removed myself from the situation right? Well we have to look at the overall pictorial. Is this someone who shows me gratitude or anyone around them? Do I receive the same things from them to show how they really feel about me? Should this person be discredited for being themselves naturally? Those are all things to considered honestly and also who am I to this person?

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We’ve all seen award shows where the award is received and the recipient goes on to thank those that they feel deserve such. I often watch to see if God (whomever that may be to them) is mentioned and thanked. Let’s just say I am not as shocked as I used to be to never hear the name called.  Now I could judge them and say “they don’t deserve that award.” I could assume they forgot because the moment was so serious that they drew a blank. How about simplifying it down to them just not holding God as a factor.

Now let’s round all of this up and see what we have here. If I never hear someone thank god (whomever that may be to them) why should I expect so much. It’s safe to say that I would naturally come after their spiritual leader but if that serves as a less important person then why am I expecting so much. I am grateful to had learned this the hard way in my past but I feel so disappointed that so many others around me set themselves up for failure by waiting for that thank you. Waiting for that card or letter filled with love, affection and gratitude from people who don’t love and respect themselves or their mothers and fathers. WHY IS THAT? We should minimize the amount of attention paid to those that don’t reciprocate the same.

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WHY THANK ME WHEN YOU DON’T THANK GOD?

J.V.

The Write side of Now.

I would like to thank each and every reader of mine. We are now in 2013 and some changes have been made to accommodate dreams. When asked WHY? just say BECAUSE.

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I always acknowledge my hurdles because that’s is where my inspirations come from. 2012 offered some uncomfortably in my life, people coming and going leaving me to question my existence and what would become of me. How can I offer advice to others with so many question marks in my life. Why can I write all the right things but live in such a bad way. I’m strong through a blog but weak in real life. I’m loved on twitter and instagram but who really knows me in real life? Often times I’d meet people and they would ask me questions that made me feel like I was being interviewed. As if the conversation and questions asked were on purpose. I’m so cool with questions but there was this one that would always come with a pause. Are you happy? Of course I say yes I am even though my face and gut bared a different answer.

 Defense would be my feeling and I’d immediately end the conversation and veer off into some other topic but I wasn’t. How should you measure your happy, I don’t know? If I pretend to be content with my life and everything around me then maybe it’ll come, no? Sometimes I get those moments where I feel so excited and warm and almost close to but it’s not happy.

So then I brainstorm on all that I have versus all that I know and then divide that by what I am doing. Lets just say I came up real short. I need some pep, encouragement  a challenge or goal to meet. Shouldn’t we wake up ready to fight for something we want everyday? If I derail my dreams by a dull reality I am bound to fail.

SO, with that being said I decided to make a resolution that involved action and I made a move. A move towards a different future, leaving behind people that were in an environment that I once called home and starting a new.

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SOME CALL IT LIFE BUT I CALL IT HAPPY.

J.V.

Share My World.

I swear I just cannot keep up with you. The emotional roller coaster is getting to be too much for me. How can I trust you when I can’t trust you? I wish you were here to hear me explain me…

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The often misconstrued person that takes everything to heart is me. I know that majority of the things discussed on a daily basis among-st friends, associates and general public is love. We talk about it when we’re liking a post on instagram, retweeting a tweet from Rihanna or just answering a text message with a smile. Love is the reaction and action but we get ahead of ourselves in confusing the momentary caring for love. Let’s just talk about me since that’s all there is right now. I always get hit with emails, phone calls and tweets from people seeking my romantic advice. It leaves me puzzled because I haven’t been in a real relationship since before Anthony was born (6 years ago). What the hell do I know about how to make it work? Could people misconstrued my public knowledge for me knowing what love is? I am that guy that often times gets hurt because people display they care about the 2 days we spent together but not anything beyond. I remember thinking that offering sex would extension the courtship amongst me and that person. FAIL So many times I thought that me conforming whether it was changing my clothes, rearranging my life or pretending to know things that I didn’t would help me get that love. FAIL

How could I be a fool but know what you should do with your love? I don’t even care enough about you to consider your problems mine. Can I help you but shit can you help me? We have to start seeking ourselves out to understand in what capacity we can deal with humans. Knowing what you care about and can handle is knowing your world. If none of those things have check marks on them there’s an error. As I have said in previous writings “If there’s a question, there’s an error.”

Loving you is loving me.

Caring isn’t always sharing.

Notice.

J.V.

HEAR your EYES go

Can’t I just not argue with you or anyone. I’m not even a confrontational person I just know how to be heard. But if you’d pay attention to me maybe you’d understand that’s not why I’m here..
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I had a strong conversation with a guy the other day. This was someone whom I’d had many disagreements with, we’d fight then we’d love. There was no distinct connection between us besides the fact that we have to work together. Never have I ever decided to have problems, him it just happened. I never attract anyone when they are considered the unknown. Nor do I care to have disputes with people in the work place but I don’t think he understood me. I am a man without caution, I don’t walk around with impression written on my forehead. My heart does not hold desire to satisfy others I’m a lone soul. Problems arise when people don’t see you. Can you hear me with your eyes wide shut? Tell me what you see with your eyes wide shut? Can you hear me coming with your eyes wide shut? Some seem to think that others are obligated to move at the instance or resistance of others when that’s not what life is about. How could you ever have issues with a person you don’t know? If you don’t see me how are you even hearing me to understand the layers that are the makings of me. Hate for example is not my expression of anyone because it’s too strong. I don’t think that I could spew that out to anyone because I don’t know anyone well enough to do so. Even if you’ve done wrong to me I don’t hate. Simply because my eyes are constantly open. I pay attention with intent to study because I’d always like to be aware.
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Aware of you as well as me for the sake of survival. Comprehending what I see and matching it with what I hear decreases the level of dysfunction around me. Confusion is a contraption spirit in my opinion and it only gets worse. Never over extend yourself to adapt to the like of others but be aware.
Stop, look & listen
J.V.