This is a warning, what you are about to read is something that has me very emotional. I often try to write from a clear and level headed stand point but this right here, I’ve had enough of it. So many times I go into a store whether it is Marshall’s, Macy’s or Neiman Marcus with the intent to browse at my own pace. Now keep in mind I usually go to the areas where these stores are occupied by a mixed breed of people, to ensure that there is a certain level of shopping peace. So normally (despite what I may want to see) there is a predominantly white group of managers and some sales associates. You may have a Hispanic person or two in the mix and usually a token or two African Americans. This does not bother me because companies are entitled to hire whom they so ever chose but it’s the person the hire that I need to address. The person who shares the same skin color and sometimes cultural appearance as myself (black).
I listen when there is something to be heard and I watch only if it’s something that I need to see. Sometimes I waste my time on looking and listening to things that I shouldn’t but that is the curious humanistic side of me. I’m mostly intrigued when I feel like I’ve stolen a gem from someone who didn’t even know that I was listeing. More than likely I’ve laughed or let out a faint ‘hmmp’ when I hear something that makes me forget where or why I am. Have you ever been standing in line at Walmart and someone is inviting you into their phone conversation because they are speaking so loud. Despite not being able to hear the voice on the other end you began piecing together the main idea of what is happening. Whether it be negative or positive you feel the need to make a mental comment to youself. Even if that comment is you saying “self, please don’t ever talk on your phone in the store it’s just so unfortunate for everyone else around you.” Or you could be debating a major decision in your life, something big for you. It could be relocating and starting over or maybe wanting to just wanting to treat yourself to those shoes that you feel you work so hard for and derserve. Suddenly you are subconsciously drawn to someone speaking about how they derserve this or should have that and your subconscious is instantly validated with pleasure. Although you’ve only held your ears open wide enough to catch that little piece of that person brain you are grateful.
Love seems to be the only excuse behind why most of us stay with the guy who can never seem to commit all the way. Or maybe it’s the girl who carries herself so independently to the point where she serial dates for material items needed to enhance her appearance and set a standard for the real ‘catch.’ Sometimes we overexpose ourselves in hopes of obtaining what we think we should have. You may be a woman who suffers from lack of self recognition so you use Instagram and other social media platforms to build yourself based on what you see. Causing you to feel tired from always having to have the best hair and clothes to impress people who may never occupy the same space as you in the real world. You might also be someone who’s so wrapped up in loving yourself so much that you use others as a doormat depreciating their self value and willingness for the sake of the next person. At this point you should be smiling and reflecting because you are either that person or know someone with similar character traits. Try the person who likes to overcompensate for the fact that they fall short in most areas so fluff (fluff = patchwork relationships with people are consistently emotionally unstable). Find yourself in love and you may end up sacrificing more than you bargained for. Sometimes we feel like our love should be kind and patient, no issues just pleasurable moments for us to post on Instagram. Remember that occasional argument leading to passionate love making that lasts for hours on end. That particular love that begins with a “you make me” and ends with “I need you.” Our mind begins playing tricks on us as we form expectations of love through movies, music and stories of told by our peers. The love we seek should be tailored to our liking leaving room for what is real and only space for what makes us happy. So what happens when we’ve paid more attention to what we want for ourselves instead of what we could actually do for someone else? What about the love we give?
Now I have to be honest, I’ve written a lot about relationships covering perspectives from Question My Sex, Love Won’t Let Me wait or I’m The Only Woman. Most times, it has been experiences I’ve lived as a man who has sex with men or the outlook of relationships according to other men and women. This time I want to focus on the woman. The reason being, a lot of relationships I’ve had has been with women; mothers, sisters, wives and friends. The closer and more in depth I became with wanting to know what makes a relationship whole for a female the more disappointed I became. I realized that most of the time the woman is already aware of the power she’s given to the man but fails to acknowledge that it has been Continue reading “the WOMAN”→
Sometimes I talk too much, even when I want to shut up I just can’t. There’s always a point to be proven, a person to be shown and an opportunity to be missed. This is called being distracted by the unnecessary. For instance, you ask someone to do you a favor within a particular time frame. Things are planned but then there’s a problem, you’re hit with the “I may be late or something came up I will have to get with you later.” In that moment you’re stuck on the fact that what you asked couldn’t be done in the timeframe you would’ve liked. You become upset and begin to harbor feelings toward the person. They reach out to you to attempt to still be there and do the favor you asked for earlier just not in enough time that you would’ve wanted. You refuse or maybe even ignore them. This is not right, everything that may be your urgency shouldn’t become someone else’s emergency. This is called being selfish and paying attention to the wrong things.
Life can sometimes hide the things you’re supposed to have within the people, places or things you ignore. We have to learn how to quiet down our egos so that we can see the light. I know that even in the best of times I may not always be willing to be a team player. Even when it comes to my relationship, being a team player means staying up late past my self-assigned bedtime based on the amount of sleep I feel that I require. Taking myself and what I want out of the equations of everyday life and feelings to show that I am willing to listen. Not making it a point to rush myself to bed because my partner may be in his feelings and needs my undivided attention. The choice I make as to whether I see what he needs and listen accordingly will play a major role in what I may learn from sacrifice my lips for my ears. Pay attention to the signs, coming early and staying late will always offer you more than you’ve bargained for. Whether it’s dealing with that job you hate but need for a little while longer or staying quieter to see all the sides of an issue before offering a response. You never know what can come out of effective listening. Read that last sentence over and over again until it sets in you mind, body and soul. Continue reading “Without a Sound”→
I am really not the kind of guy who enjoys people consorting with me in a tone that blatantly acknowledges my sexuality. Honestly, most gay men, like me really don’t need to be reminded that we are gay. I am sure our mothers knew when they caught us hitting the trying on when Barbie appealed to us more than Hercules. Waking up everyday realizing that humans of the same sex held our attention longer than others may have been it. Mom probably even realized it when we had too much of an opinion on lipstick shades or high heel preferences. Therefore, we meaning I can do without the assumption that I feel validated when I am stared at for a second longer than my comfort level. Maybe even when a simple hello turns into a long, sissified heyyy; most often than I’d like to admit, I really want to avoid speaking to heterosexual men that I don’t have a direct affiliation with. My thinking is that most of the guys that I come in contact with who identify as being straight think I want to sleep with them. This is the furthest thing from the truth but I understand this to be a plight faced by most women that have to deal with those aggressive who really just aren’t appealing. I have a sincere issue with how most of today’s men greet me based on what they may think I want versus what I need. Seems like most of the male encounter’s I’ve been having, have caused me to think a second longer than I would’ve like to. Leaving me to feel like I should have my guard up and ready to correct any of the misguided assholes who think I live for the likes of their approval. Whether it is a long stare that shows thoughts of confused expectation or a disgruntled “wassup” to prove their masculinity, its annoying. Although I sleep with men, I am still a man for 90% of my day (the other 10% I’m an off balance combination of my mother, grandmother or Lil’ Kim lol). Continue reading “Gender: What It Is, What It Wants to Be”→
It’s been three solid days since the world learned about the horrific hate crime committed against over one hundred plus people, from which I am still numb. My head is spinning with assumptions, questions unanswered accompanied by fragmented thoughts of wondering how I may have felt if I were in that Orlando, Florida night club. How will the world recover from this? Will people understand the real message in it all? What is the value of a life or my life for that matter? I’ve read at least 50 + stories highlighting the victims who’s lives were lost, news reports on the alleged motives of the venomous killer who’s name I will STILL never speak nor write. So many inspiring stories of people who lived freely whether they be gay or straight. To think of how families found out, civilians from all across the world supporting to even wondering if I will be next are the thoughts that plague me. So many stories on how unique the lives of the victim’s were that of which will always remain in my heart. But as I scrolled through my timeline I came across a picture of a woman who looked to be a middle-aged hispanic woman who held a look of peace on her face. I would eventually keep scrolling only to see her face again and again. Not knowing anything but what the caption listed about her being a mother who was in the club supporting her reportedly gay son. I wanted to learn more about this woman just based off of the angelic look on her face and the fact that she thought enough of her son to attend an obviously gay nightclub with him. I was overjoyed yet saddened at the thought of her being taken away in such a gruesome way. My mother would cross my mind as I read stories about her being the mother of 11 children and how she had fought cancer and was undergoing treatments for Leukemia. My heart sake to know that she was so strong even down to the last moments of her death. I would cry at my desk, not because she is gone but that her son has to live knowing that his mother understood what it meant to be supportive down to giving her son her last breath. Knowing how much support I have from my own mother and how I know she would’ve carried herself in the same way for me breaks my heart over and over again. So Brenda McCool, I don’t know you nor will I ever have the opportunity too but I celebrate you. Thank you being an example of how a mother cares, how a mother supports and how a mother’s love is NEVER tainted.
I salute you!
A Mother’s Love
Submitted By: life heARTist A Mother’s Love Author unknown A Mother’s Love is like an island In life’s ocean vast and wide, A peaceful, quiet shelter From the restless, rising tide … A Mother’s Love is like a fortress And we seek protection there When the waves of tribulation Seem to drown us in despair … A Mother’s Love’s a sanctuary Where our souls can find sweet rest From the struggle and the tension Of life’s fast and futile quest … A Mother’s Love is like a tower Rising far above the crowd, And her smile is like the sunshine Breaking through a threatening cloud … A Mother’s Love is like a beacon Burning bright with Faith and Prayer, And through the changing scenes of life We can find a Haven There … For A Mother’s Love is fashioned After God’s enduring love, It is endless and unfailing Like the love of Him above … For God knew in His great wisdom That He couldn’t be Everywhere, So He put His Little Children In a Loving Mother’s Care.
My attitude has been shifting all morning, I don’t know what to think or say. As I scroll down my timeline there it is, post after post news reports about 50 unidentified presumed to be gay individuals who were murdered last night in an Orlando, Florida nightclub. Pulse Nightclub, hailed to be one of the hottest Gay nightclubs in the heart of Orlando and now known to be the scene of the deadliest shooting in U.S. history, ever. As media reports build up, gay community members grieve with similar thoughts of fear and ‘what if’ notions, I can’t help but think what it will take for US to get it. I’d love to say that we live in a proactive nation where things of this sort simply do not happen based on the power of the people. Being gay is all too common for it to still be a relevant issue over war, hunger and human manipulation as to what is really going on in our world. Even those of you reading this have had some sort of an encounter with a gay, lesbian, transgendered and questioning individual. Whether they are your sister, brother, cousin, friend or mother why won’t you stand for them? Fear could be one reason or maybe is that you never felt like you truly should be involved. So now that you are reading this and you see that our world is a discriminatory playground for those to just dedicate all over how do we go on?It’s easy to make an impact without taking a loss, it could be educating someone who utters a gay slur in your presence. Maybe informing your salacious co-worker who thinks it’s okay to call an unfamiliar gay man a faggot. Ignorance cannot be ignored until something like this happens because it could’ve been your family member you read about you this morning. I’ve found myself lost deep in thought erasing, writing and then erasing again not knowing how to put my feelings into words. Although this does not directly affect me and or any members of my family I feel as though it has. I am sad, angry and gay so whom shall I fear?
Two men embracing one another at the sight of grief Sunday am in Orlando, Florida
I did’t know what my first post (in three years) would be like, I feel like I have been waiting and waiting for my hopes and dreams to catch up to my reality. I tried to motivate myself time and time again to write because I believe that is why I am here on earth but nothing would come. There was a secret that I was holding from everyone but I knew and it captivated my thoughts daily if not all day than most of the day. FEAR, DOUBT, LAZINESS is what it was, clouded with the perception of myself as is compared to the reality of others. Just as the bible says in (James 2:26) “For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.” Then there is the constant battle within my mind filled with insecurities, ideas and awful suggestions. Who wants to hear from me? This is a question I would often ask myself not recognizing the work I never stopped doing. How I fought for people everyday, provided myself as a living, breathing, walking, talking pillar of strength for people to thrive off of. On the outside I showed nothing but joy and jokes learning to focus on others and deflect the attention from myself and what I wasn’t doing by entertaining uplifting and inspiring when I was half-dead on the inside. Letting my 9 to 5 get the best of me energy wise and the thoughts of not enough time being in a day was another one of my excuses to myself. Listening to how others around me were hustling sometimes as a result of my consultation and inspiration. Now I know what you’re thinking, where is he now? Mentally has he come out of hiding and took the “bib of fear” off allowing himself to just live and get dirty. Trust me I want to say that I have finished my book. I’d love to have been named a published author having at least two or three New York Times Bestseller list publications. Even calling myself a full-time writer/philanthropist/LBGTQ activist having ditched the said two jobs that have kept me bogged down and discouraged for the last 3 years. Instead I have become what most people (especially Americans) have become and that is comforted by Friday nights filled with drinks and food to reflect on the week of work and repetitive complaints about things that only I can change. An Instagram, SnapChat, Facebook, Twitter junkie who is more inclined to telling you all about the latest Beyonce entrance or exit caught by the paps or a dreadful MEME of somebody from the African-American community setting us back thousands of years all in the name of 60 second entertainment that could only result in a ‘like’ and or (usually negative, racist, distasteful) ‘comment.’
One day….but what to do today?
Needless to say I am not pleased with myself or the choices I have yet to make that could only make me better, stronger and if nothing else wiser. Now I want you to read this question aloud. Why don’t we push ourselves to be better than what we were yesterday? Could it be that we’ve bought into our everyday lives as our written eternity. Or maybe it’s the fact that we look at our watches everyday not considering how much time plays a part in the short story that is our lives. Not to shift the blame but I believe in the idea that your environment affects your thinking. Ever heard the term misery loves company and how easy it is to allow someone to transfer whatever kind of energy they have onto us. Well that is one way to look at how easy it is to be suckered in to ‘groupthink.’ Living subconsciously in a way that only reflects the things we see and hear that others are doing. Having known all these things you’d think I’d be further in life by now but there’s more. With my 24 hours in a day 13-14 of them are consumed by the jobs I work to pay bills that never seem to go away. When is there time to create or be creative when you leave the house at 5am only to return home at 8pm tired, frustrated and just most times unfulfilled? I’ll answer that of course, there is nothing that happens but a drink, food and some trash reality television while squeezing in the love and affection from my beloved boyfriend of almost 2 years.
WHO, me?
As I write this tears well up in my eyes from me knowing the pain while trying to experience the pleasure but I/we must rise. I know how great God has intended me to be but it’s up to me and only me. I have to be my own cheerleader, a liaison to my life and encourage me to put one foot in front of the other to order my steps toward freedom. Not the freedom that Martin Luther King Jr. spoke about or the freedom that Nina Simone or Muhammad Ali viciously spoke on. My freedom is knowing that if I believe it I can achieve it or die trying. My freedom is understanding that most of the things that occupy my time today are merely distractions that causes me to lose out on time. My allowing of others to invade the space in my head and heart causing me to stray from what my purpose is. But now it is time; Time to live, time to create, time to build and time to work!
Let this be testimony to everyone out there surrounded by plight from self inflicted doubt, we shall overcome.
As you may or may not know I am a Brandy fan. Upon the release of her latest (greatest) LP #TwoEleven Brandy has gained lots of media attention but lack luster record sales. We live in a time where most artists whether they be new or old have a much harder time selling records. Some say the internet and the easy access to downloads have lots to do with it but I’d say it’s more of a music industry issue and what is left of it. R&b to me seems to have fallen to the background and majority of the musical attention is given to Pop. Most of today’s listeners are checking for the same artists such as Rihanna, Beyonce & Lady Gaga. So when someone as authentic and iconic as Ms Norwood (in my opinion) drops new music it tends to be overlooked. Bloggers and various musicals critics also seem to be a little more critical to the artists that aren’t heavily saturating radio, making it hard for so many talented people to have the best light shinned on them. So when another great artist such as Solange Knowles began to speak on this issue a few days ago we we’re all ears. Solo, who is best known as being Beyonce’s fashionable but artistic sister began to speak her mind on Twitter about Brandy being not given a fair shot we listened. She went on to say how Brandy has some “deep cuts” and how critics should be more note worthy on speaking about things the really don’t know. I took it upon myself to share some work that I consider serious treasures.
Now I have to be honest, I’ve written a lot about relationships covering perspectives from Question My Sex, Love Won’t Let Me wait or I’m The Only Woman. Most times, it has been experiences I’ve lived as a man who has sex with men or the outlook of relationships according to other men and women. This time I want to focus on the woman. The reason being, a lot of relationships I’ve had has been with women; mothers, sisters, wives and friends. The closer and more in depth I became with wanting to know what makes a relationship whole for a female the more disappointed I became. I realized that most of the time the woman is already aware of the power she’s given to the man but fails to acknowledge that it has been 
