I’m an Actor II

Forcing myself to not care is a job in itself, I’m a man who possess the art of genuine compassion. My feelings about life and the world are usually true even if my words don’t reflect it my face will.  My skin, my walk and my aura all bleed my truth as I continue to tell these lies to you. Sometimes you see through me and I recognize it which is why I’m writing this, for you and for me. The fronts we put on only create the makeshift environment that is our relationship. The breaths that I breathe are being counted by the amount of accusations I face, being with you is pleasurable or at least it used to be. The blame can be placed on me but the intent belongs to the both of us as I intended to love you but you did something else. Grateful for the opportunity to be loved I stayed and tried as did you but why? You continue to copy & paste me into your life as a substitute for trauma or maybe it’s the hurt. Either way I’ve been forced to make a choice and it’s been rather hard. Me, myself I want what’s best for you and for us but it seems to me that the fantasy is darker than the nightmares. I don’t have dreams about our future which then turns into the nightmare of my reality. We may not make it but I want you to do what you gotta do to come back and see me when you can. That line wasn’t mine it belongs to Nina Simone but I needed help. I need help, with this all of this is too much and it’s caused me to loose myself and now all I can find is relief in writing so here it is.

Scene 29

Measuring the hurt is what I’m doing as the light breeze comes through the window, he didn’t answer me when I asked, “why now?” Driving but not behind the wheel as my subconscious takes a hold of me and I begin to compare. Not that I’m missing my former life or love but he’d never do this to me, those are just my thoughts. My body catches a chill from the evening breeze and I think about how I’ve never experienced this, rejection. For so long I’ve gotten more physically than I could’ve gained emotionally and as a man I liked it. I continue to think about all those moments of releasing my cream of nature and how far those moments are from now. Forcefully I come back to my body as the sound of Sun Ra’s voice chants, “when there is no sun to light the way.” Even though it’s night time I haven’t seen the sun in days, weeks, steadily approaching a month of no sun but I pretend to keep the peace. It’s selfish but I smile and stay quiet in hopes of that rewarding me of what I’ve been yearning for. At this point my destination has been reached and my clock is telling me that I’ve fallen behind on my routine time of arrival. I can’t stop thinking about it, the rejection and how blatant it was. To be dismissed is a hurt that stings like a bullet (I imagine as I’ve never been shot). Distracted all day by work and the challenges of doing it twice a day I digress and emerge out of the car. The walk up and inside is quiet on the outside and loud on the inside. He thinks that there’s someone else and I’m starting to feel the same way. MY makeup as a partner has changed steadily over time and I’d hoped he saw that. Loyalty is my pleasure but honesty bring me pain because of your reactions. I am in need of healing or a reaffirming touch that I’m worth it as a man. Smiling upon entry I say “hey,” as do you. There’s a pause and you ask, “how was your day?” I, trying not to complain about whatever feelings I’ve felt throughout the day’s journey lie and say, “fine.” The grimace you give is almost confirming that you know what I am thinking. You know that you have what I need and you refuse to give it up. My body warms up as I begin to strip myself of the days clothing in hopes of getting what I deserve. Not that you owe me but you do, I’m good even though you feel bad. My love for you hasn’t faded but the lust has and it makes me sad. Jumping back out of my feelings I re-enter the real world only to watch you look down at your phone as if it is the one standing there ass naked awaiting approval. There’s no eye or body contact as I try to suppress my frustration I emerge into the shower. Most would self-satisfy and move on to planning moments with someone to take your place but I don’t quit. So I cry, hurt and wonder if I’m not enough than who is? The mission has been to love you through whatever is happening but there’s nothing, happening.

Scene 31

Fighting and silence is all that our walls see. Still you want to continue so I do the same thinking about how my resentment for you is heavier than this bag I’m carrying. Walking through life hearing how handsome and kind I am falls on deaf ears as none of those words come from you. You touched me the other day and I was appreciative but it didn’t feel like you were. This is tearing me apart because I gave it all up for you, stil I lie as I trust that you know that I didn’t. I never gave up my longing for lust and I’ve looked other ways but never to touch only to wonder if my flesh will be the cause of my demise. You still ignore me and I only see your smile when you’re in control. Control is when I want and you don’t so therefore we don’t. Control is when you sleep soundly and I cry quietly wondering how we got here. The lies I tell are fragments of truth broken down to fit the algorithm of what we are, a mess. The connection has been lost and you blame it on my flirtatious ways as your account for all the times I hurt you. This hurt you speak of is almost laughable because I’ve died a long time ago and you still haven’t come to see me. You refuse to view my body so I hide it, you refuse to acknowledge my work so I stop showing it. I’m a walking corpse and you still complain about how our social life bores you or lack thereof. My career, my happiness and my stability are all at the hands of your support as you remain an imaginary folklore. You’re not there and neither am I so where are you going? You left me a while ago and still you want to do this, this thing called us. My body is sore from the suppression of no love, love making or body thumping. The trust has faded since you’ve decided to love me your way and guess what I’m still lying. The lies become a customary way of coping and I don’t even recognize myself beyond the shit and it stinks. Waking up daily and we are still the same as I continue to hate myself. For all of the times I could’ve been honest enough to leave it be. The honestly could’ve saved the time lost and the things that were broken, like me. The rage and anger displayed could’ve been channeled into healing as I wonder where I’ll go and what I’ll do. Unable to lie anymore I look at myself and ask, “why don’t you love me when I make me so easy to love?”

Conclusion

There’s always multiple sides to every story especially when the stories have different meanings. Choosing to love yourself over a love you have for another person is not easy to do. Relationships are built to last just as some times they are bound to break but what you’ll always be left to deal with you. No matter how many times you convince yourself that you’re okay you must ask yourself why you aren’t sure that you are in the first place. My advice to anyone entering a relationship is to discuss what your requirements are and what you need. Remember to always acknowledge the other person’s feelings as they are always valid because they are feelings. Never abandon your gut to make peace or smooth over a situation when that emotional load will only become heavier to carry. Life has always been and will always be based around a feeling, our feelings and they shouldn’t be ignored. To anyone I’ve love you were amazing and thank you. To anyone I’ve lost you were amazing and thank you. Never speak ill of anyone as it will only taint your image of self.

Vashon Wade 2018