I’ve been seeing my days and they’ve been quite clear. Many of the habits I had are gone and so is the real me or is this really me?
Whenever you get rid of a guilty pleasure whether it’s good or bad you’re left with that emptiness. I’ve been feeling without for a while now and I think it’s because I was using things to mask what I didn’t want to see. Drugs and alcohol can be cool until you become dependent upon them and then you have a whole different set of problems that over shadow what you need to be worried about. Whenever I would smoke or drink I would always convince myself that everything is greater. Even when my subconscious would be telling me “you know you’re lying right” I would ignore it and take another shot. Parties were better and so was sex but then there was the morning after. The time when the blur was gone and I was back to hating my weight, hating my face and hating the fact that I still was hating myself. Deep right, naw it’s never that deep, never or is it? Could I be just as bad as a crack head I frown at for roaming the streets with blood-shot eyes and the breath of an amazon alcoholic? College is where it started and that’s where it should have ended. I could blame people, places or things that I went through but I am the captain of this vessel. Now I’m not saying that being a social smoker and drinker is wrong but me, oh I tend to take it too far. So far that I grew stagnant in my evolving, I began to not care about anything but getting high. Whenever you’re waking up searching for the blunt it’s time to stop. I would thank god for having the weed where I knew I left it, crazy right? Well we all struggle some gamble, others shop and me I smoked but with no limits. I looked forward to just being high and nothing else without acknowledging the fact that I was falling.
When you’re surrounded by pressure points you’ll always run to the safe havens. What happens when the pressure gets no acknowledgement? Does it go away or do we mask it with other things? This all goes back to knowing you and those things you do. Realizing when you should and shouldn’t do things because of… You have to know what’s right and wrong and also understand that everything will always be the same as long as you let it. I understood I had and still have the choice to get high and drunk at the risk of…
Discover your liabilities and assets and decide what matters most. Sometimes you’ll go to far to the point where there is no U-turn. And yes, I am still struggling to do my best for me.
J.V. (the work is in progress)
*pic credit Rihannaperfection.com/ Snoop/rollingstones.com-snoop