I Want It All Back…?

I fucked Up?

I’ve deleted and wrote this over and over again simply because I just can’t even begin. Whenever I think of this person I get upset while happy, I become confused and then frustrated. You would think that these feelings were relevant when…

It’s so easy to miss something. An old home, great fitting shoes or you’re very first something but when it comes to a person you love/loved its so painful to think of them with nothing else there to comfort you. I swear every time I think of this one person I become numb. Covered with the memories of our friendship, hardship and loving experiences of life together. I’m constantly consumed with thoughts of you thinking of me and if you feel like I do. And then there’s the overwhelming thoughts of confused emotions trying to convince myself that I made the right decision by letting them go. Often times we deal with someone until we just have a combinations of “I can’t do it anymore.” We exhaust ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally until we have no choice but to forfeit that persons spot in our world. Once you let go and you began living your life with that empty spot you may channel your energy elsewhere with the hopes of moving on; notice I said hopes. What happens when you can’t move on? Is it safe to say you’re it over him/her when their in your heart, mind and dreams? Can you make a mistake in love because you wanted to much? How can you balance your standards and your feelings so that you find you happy medium?

I have to be honest with you all because we’ve been friends in words for a little while now, I don’t know. I’m actually in a state of torn feelings myself. I’m weak for someone that has yet to give me 100% of them. Sometimes I feel like I set myself up by saying that I needed the person out of my life even though I was not happy when they were around, I think I made a mistake. Sometimes we can get carried away with being demanding because we realize how much more we’re owed. I am not saying that this is wrong. We should always uphold our standards because we’re all we honestly have in life. But when there’s emptiness in a decisions and there’s been elapsed time, regret starts to seep through. Your mind vegans to digress after you realize that the person may not ever change and get to where you want them to be. Is it better to bite the bullet and sacrifice what you want for what you really need? Can we go back and make things better or would we have already done that before walking away? Remembering someone saying saying “if it’s meant to be it’ll be” wanting to believe it but scared to wait and see. I know I want you around but I just don’t want to feel empty and lonely if I let you back in….

All I ever think about is….

J.V.