I do but I don’t

I gotta say what’s on my mind right then and there. Yeah it’s gets in the way especially with my lover. I can’t do it be anything other than me. You think I’ll lose if I say this?
Stakes is High…
Picture me: Always battling myself about saying a little too much. I do so much to maintain my same subservient attitude. Asking nothing of you but giving you the best of me. This feels familiar, the alone after effect when my resources and services are used up. I try to be just enough of what the current environment may want. Not to impress but simply show me I resort to speaking what I know. Sometimes I’m looked at as harsh and blunt because of my face but I’m just being myself. I always want to be a person that’s real and gives truth because that’s what I’d like to receive. But sometimes I get quiet and just watch. Knowing that I object or oblige but I don’t say shit. Why do I feel the need to alter myself to conform? Isn’t living ones individualistic life about finding ones self? Gotta stop thinking so much and just be. Can’t keep questioning myself because I find that it leads to me questioning my life and even God at times. I can’t keep being good to you especially if it makes me hate me.
True lies.
Picture you: I can’t stand when I have to guess just to get an answer. Why can’t he just do what I want or give me what I need? Every time I’m around him he offers to do and give me what I want and that’s why I like him. Sometimes he gets on my nerves though, those times where I have to do for him. He really does require physical favors just time and great conversation but damn. I really just keep in contact with him so I can have someone to borrow from or when I need a favor. Lately it’s been different though, the nice guy I know as him has been very different. I never really see and him and when I do he really doesn’t say much. Maybe he’s depressed or just having a bad day but whatever I still need a ride to work so I’ll ask. I’m sort of nervous though because he called to talk to me yesterday but I didn’t answer, maybe he saw my Facebook status. I went out with some mutual friends and we didn’t ask him but for good reason. He’s single and we’re all involved and we didn’t want him to feel awkward. Oh well, I’m going to just keep quiet and things will blow over.
Picture me: Gone.
J.V.

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