The Hard-ON

I’m scared that you’re thinking: Never understood why I have to do it until you get it. How can I grow when I’m trying to do what you like me to do? Even if it hurts I gotta do me and you may have to just…
Me: I know we’ve been through so much between us. In my mind I feel like you’re more responsible for the suffrage than I am. Sure the arguments, cursing and just plain old snapping is me but for good reason. I’ve loved you since I first met you. Never did I thing it would consist of me having to prove myself to you. Sure we have a great friendship and the love is evident but I’ve always wanted more than you were willing to give. I’m sure whoever’s reading this can relate but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to tell you I need you to understand why I rant and rave. I know the potential of our situation and how I need more. There’s so many things that stick out in my mind. Maybe I should just hate you all together? It’s never been what I want so why wait? Could you really not care enough to make me happy? What are you thinking? I love..
You: Damn I know I’ve done some wrong but I wasn’t where you were. Mentally I saw you as just another person that I sort of cared for. It’s hard to believe but I don’t like to see you hurt. When things bother you I want to fix them but when I’m at fault idk. I can’t really see things from your point of view and I’ve said sorry so many times. I thought we were okay but of course we aren’t. I do most of what you ask and you still complain. I can’t see this lasting but then I remember that I’m changing and I want you to see it. I care about you and know that you’ll be there. Well I hope you’ll be there, I’ll never tell you but I’m scared you’ll leave. Wish I could tell you that I’m all in but I’m not. Why can’t you see my progression instead of my mistakes. I hope you blame you when things fall apart because I care.
The Real: I’ve realized that pain causes me to want to punish. How can you grow with a heart filled with revenge. There’s no gain with doing things to get a reaction and living in the past. I just recently realized that no matter what I’ll always feel good about doing something different the next time. If I was hurt by someone close to me and they say and show they’re changing I should respect that. Not penalize them for our past occurrences and expect positive things with a negative view. It’s so hard to forgive when there’s pain involved but its even worse to wear it on your sleeve. 
Can’t love the future while your hearts in the past.
J.V. ❤

4 thoughts on “The Hard-ON

  1. So many things in my past I regret but also I loved. The present is a gift that needs to be open(minded..) . But the future is a place were faith, love,hope are. Were dreams come true. Were the sun Gives you the strength to deal with the past and let go at the same time to know that the present is for the living.to let go of the burdens and except the gift………

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