I will walk away from him because he’s never going to change but I love him. So many times I try to find ways to cover up feelings of what I want versus what I pretend. Too many nights I cry for half the night about my struggle. I don’t make a lot of money and I want my kids to have everything but I can’t trust him. Too many reasons to name but its been so many years and we have all of this so I stay. Tired, useless, and sad is what I feel for the majority of the day because crying will just take too long and we have kids. I can’t see them because I am behind my wall. This wall was not built for them but I can’t separate the two so they will just have to crawl up because I’m too upset to take this down. The man that I love doesn’t listen to me as he never did but that was the beginning and I didn’t need that.
His dick was enough for me, I could ride it all day long and that was honestly when we were at our happiest or I thought. See, I never knew him until I knew the pain he caused me. According to him though “you love to be mad and to argue I just want to let it go…we are just different.” So different that he fucked three other women over the last few years and it wasn’t just once. He loved them (as I cry and burn of red lava caught in my reflection), I know because it lasted too long. How can I be whole with a man who gives me pieces of him? I have so much on my plate I can’t worry about him I just have to focus on me and my kids. Me and my kids, I know I’m not the best mother but I really put up with him for them. They love their dad and he is great with them when I tell him to be. Damn it hurts for me to know that I can’t have all that I want. I want to just smash his fucking head in every time he acts like he didn’t cheat on me. What about me? What about my kids? Can I really be a 38 year old bitch starting over with 2 kids and this job? I hate this job but my kids need to be taken care of and I won’t depend on a man who doesn’t give me what I need.
What do I need? A man that is best for me and does what I want him to do. No lies, pain and disappointment from a boy with a dick the size of a man. Tell me that you love me and buy me flowers because I make you that happy. Treat me right and give me what you don’t give all the others. I don’t want to have to repeat or remind you I just want you to know that there is no impossible with me. I deserve everything without mentioning what I will do to get or deserve that. I can’t promise that I won’t pretend for attention, cry for change and lie for self but you have to show me that you care. You should know me and what I deserve even though I been in relationships since I was 13, penetrated since I was 15 and emotionally traumatized at 19 but I know love. I love me, I know that I am a good girl who really wish I would hurry up and become a woman. But I know what I need, who and need and who I am that’s why I’m so confused. Probably why I could never have a man want to keep me. Maybe I should try to change a man and ignore my own insecurities, ideas and suggestions more. Even though I know I never get it right I will just continue to act like I’m never wrong. A man will always make it better for me, I know this because I am still not married. Trust is something that is unspoken with me since I categorize love as finance and control. Call me crazy if you want but he’s never going anywhere because he hurt me.
But am I the only woman?
VashonWade 2016
Vashon Wade 