Love Won’t Let Me Wait

As I have a break today from my usual morning 5am mantra that consists of preparing for work (x2) I grab my phone. The efforts to catch up on the social media focus during the hours I slept. Drifting in and out of sleep I wipe my eyes to see the same tired memes begging for love and affection. I scroll down and I see so many people confused in what their version of love is. I see quotes that remind me of the confusion that was once plagued my life. Facebooker writes “I wish I could just find that person that is for me” Instagram woman reposts “I need a strong man to match how strong of a woman I am.” There seems to be a trend among many of the people that I follow and that is that they are seeking out love. Love from a person they have yet to meet but they so desperately want too. I remember being there and it troubling me a great deal. I used to want what I saw because I didn’t know enough about myself to understand what I needed for myself. So many nights I would lie in bed questioning why God hadn’t sent me someone to love me. Never asking why I didn’t love myself or care enough to get to know me better. Not knowing if I was good enough because I wanted something so bad but I couldn’t understand why.

Sometimes it was because my friends all had lovers and friends so it would become painfully obviously to not notice the guy who’s always alone. Nice, but always alone I threw myself into the lives of others wanting to belong. Needing to feel loved as if I was not enough to comfort and sooth myself. Now I understand that love was there all along but no one to receive it. Do you remember the last time you enjoyed time alone? This is something that I know less and less of as I am in a long term relationship. There are those moments when I drift though. Sometimes it’s at the fault of a meme that hits close to home or a song that strikes a cord in my heart. I remember being so desperate for the love of another person that I was willing to give all of myself. Love is defined as deep feeling and affection. Emotions can become tangled when we want what we see without any factual based evidence of how to keep the love. Where does it begin? Could you meet someone and immediately know how to love? Even Lil’ Wayne made a song about it as it is important if you plan on doing it right.

The relationship should begin with you, we all come with our very own obstacle course. This test or trial run is something that most people don’t possess the patience for. Most people want us until that moment that usually happens all to soon. The moment that you said you would make him wait for but he said all the right things so there you are contemplating how things will go now. Now that you’ve sweat out your cream of nature giving him everything that is your physical being. Days go by and the affection you thought you’d consistently get is all of a sudden disappear. The calls. The texts. The Tweets. They’ve all stopped and now you are there leaving a quote on your Instagram you hope he’ll notice. Life has a funny way of showing you want you need to know but it’s all in what you pay attention too. Look at the way the world moves, there’s much less love than hate. More less people you can trust versus those you should stay away from. Dick, money and false hopes will leave you down, depressed and discouraged.

Learn how to build a life and love that exists outside social media standards. Stop feeling like you need the approval of your family and friends on experiences, ideas and suggestions that have nothing to do with you and your life. All these things make it hard for you to discover the magic that lives within you. It’s a challenge to understand what you need when you can only see what you want. Value yourself enough to let life happen for you not to you. Love yourself today even if it starts with pretending, do it. Understand that what is for you will always be that and whatever else is secondary.

VashonWade 2016

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