I cannot think of a time more enjoyable than my recent trip to Puerto Rico. The original purpose of the vacation was to commemorate my partner’s 30th birthday. He had been to Puerto Rico before and raved about how great of a time he had. I was down for whatever he wanted to do so I indulged. Now seeing as though I am what you may consider the working poor (rich in spirit). It is always with great sacrifice when I take time off work and how it affects my income versus my bills. We’ve all been there convincing ourselves of what we can’t do because of what we have too. I sadly came to the conclusion that I have convinced myself long ago that I don’t earn enough money to take a vacation. It’s as if I don’t deserve to break free from the hustle and bustle of life. Thank God for boyfriends and birthdays because the island of Puerto Rico is simply beautiful from the ice blue waters to pearly white sand I was mesmerized. Continue reading “Importance of Vacation…”→
Today we will witness yet another African American slain by an on duty police officer while the entire thing is caught on tape. What you are about to read next is just for black people: wake the fuck up, we are yet again being distracted at the expense of another innocent life. The wave pattern of behavior from police officer’s is no longer subtle. Things seem to be shaping up to send a message that we as African American’s should’ve gotten with Sandra Bland; that is that the Black life is disposable. We are missing multiple pieces of the solvable puzzle that is that we are to be eliminated as a people by any means necessary. The foundation that was built 40 years ago after numerous barriers were mercilessly broken has fallen miserably. Multiple gun shot wounds is what a man suffered after being acknowledged as a CD sale’s man outside of a bodega. The media will turn this as they see fit pulling out this man’s history as if it means something to his assassination. Yes, these are assassinations covered up by white faces and gold badges. Alton Sterling, 37 is another example of how America does not practice justice with police so there must be a shaking of the ground. It will continue to grow more and more common for blacks to be murdered by America’s protection in blue. We will not be able to control the flow of elimination as long as we are distracted by what they allow us to see and hear. The news on Alton Sterling and why (which is unimportant to me) he was shot outside a Baton Rouge convenience store last night. Until then please stay woke and remember the importance of unity and self preservation.
I will walk away from him because he’s never going to change but I love him. So many times I try to find ways to cover up feelings of what I want versus what I pretend. Too many nights I cry for half the night about my struggle. I don’t make a lot of money and I want my kids to have everything but I can’t trust him. Too many reasons to name but its been so many years and we have all of this so I stay. Tired, useless, and sad is what I feel for the majority of the day because crying will just take too long and we have kids. I can’t see them because I am behind my wall. This wall was not built for them but I can’t separate the two so they will just have to crawl up because I’m too upset to take this down. The man that I love doesn’t listen to me as he never did but that was the beginning and I didn’t need that.
His dick was enough for me, I could ride it all day long and that was honestly when we were at our happiest or I thought. See, I never knew him until I knew the pain he caused me. According to him though “you love to be mad and to argue I just want to let it go…we are just different.” So different that he fucked three other women over the last few years and it wasn’t just once. He loved them (as I cry and burn of red lava caught in my reflection), I know because it lasted too long. How can I be whole with a man who gives me pieces of him? I have so much on my plate I can’t worry about him I just have to focus on me and my kids. Me and my kids, I know I’m not the best mother but I really put up with him for them. They love their dad and he is great with them when I tell him to be. Damn it hurts for me to know that I can’t have all that I want. I want to just smash his fucking head in every time he acts like he didn’t cheat on me. What about me? What about my kids? Can I really be a 38 year old bitch starting over with 2 kids and this job? I hate this job but my kids need to be taken care of and I won’t depend on a man who doesn’t give me what I need. Continue reading “I’m The Only Woman”→
I am really not the kind of guy who enjoys people consorting with me in a tone that blatantly acknowledges my sexuality. Honestly, most gay men, like me really don’t need to be reminded that we are gay. I am sure our mothers knew when they caught us hitting the trying on when Barbie appealed to us more than Hercules. Waking up everyday realizing that humans of the same sex held our attention longer than others may have been it. Mom probably even realized it when we had too much of an opinion on lipstick shades or high heel preferences. Therefore, we meaning I can do without the assumption that I feel validated when I am stared at for a second longer than my comfort level. Maybe even when a simple hello turns into a long, sissified heyyy; most often than I’d like to admit, I really want to avoid speaking to heterosexual men that I don’t have a direct affiliation with. My thinking is that most of the guys that I come in contact with who identify as being straight think I want to sleep with them. This is the furthest thing from the truth but I understand this to be a plight faced by most women that have to deal with those aggressive who really just aren’t appealing. I have a sincere issue with how most of today’s men greet me based on what they may think I want versus what I need. Seems like most of the male encounter’s I’ve been having, have caused me to think a second longer than I would’ve like to. Leaving me to feel like I should have my guard up and ready to correct any of the misguided assholes who think I live for the likes of their approval. Whether it is a long stare that shows thoughts of confused expectation or a disgruntled “wassup” to prove their masculinity, its annoying. Although I sleep with men, I am still a man for 90% of my day (the other 10% I’m an off balance combination of my mother, grandmother or Lil’ Kim lol). Continue reading “Gender: What It Is, What It Wants to Be”→
It’s been three solid days since the world learned about the horrific hate crime committed against over one hundred plus people, from which I am still numb. My head is spinning with assumptions, questions unanswered accompanied by fragmented thoughts of wondering how I may have felt if I were in that Orlando, Florida night club. How will the world recover from this? Will people understand the real message in it all? What is the value of a life or my life for that matter? I’ve read at least 50 + stories highlighting the victims who’s lives were lost, news reports on the alleged motives of the venomous killer who’s name I will STILL never speak nor write. So many inspiring stories of people who lived freely whether they be gay or straight. To think of how families found out, civilians from all across the world supporting to even wondering if I will be next are the thoughts that plague me. So many stories on how unique the lives of the victim’s were that of which will always remain in my heart. But as I scrolled through my timeline I came across a picture of a woman who looked to be a middle-aged hispanic woman who held a look of peace on her face. I would eventually keep scrolling only to see her face again and again. Not knowing anything but what the caption listed about her being a mother who was in the club supporting her reportedly gay son. I wanted to learn more about this woman just based off of the angelic look on her face and the fact that she thought enough of her son to attend an obviously gay nightclub with him. I was overjoyed yet saddened at the thought of her being taken away in such a gruesome way. My mother would cross my mind as I read stories about her being the mother of 11 children and how she had fought cancer and was undergoing treatments for Leukemia. My heart sake to know that she was so strong even down to the last moments of her death. I would cry at my desk, not because she is gone but that her son has to live knowing that his mother understood what it meant to be supportive down to giving her son her last breath. Knowing how much support I have from my own mother and how I know she would’ve carried herself in the same way for me breaks my heart over and over again. So Brenda McCool, I don’t know you nor will I ever have the opportunity too but I celebrate you. Thank you being an example of how a mother cares, how a mother supports and how a mother’s love is NEVER tainted.
I salute you!
A Mother’s Love
Submitted By: life heARTist A Mother’s Love Author unknown A Mother’s Love is like an island In life’s ocean vast and wide, A peaceful, quiet shelter From the restless, rising tide … A Mother’s Love is like a fortress And we seek protection there When the waves of tribulation Seem to drown us in despair … A Mother’s Love’s a sanctuary Where our souls can find sweet rest From the struggle and the tension Of life’s fast and futile quest … A Mother’s Love is like a tower Rising far above the crowd, And her smile is like the sunshine Breaking through a threatening cloud … A Mother’s Love is like a beacon Burning bright with Faith and Prayer, And through the changing scenes of life We can find a Haven There … For A Mother’s Love is fashioned After God’s enduring love, It is endless and unfailing Like the love of Him above … For God knew in His great wisdom That He couldn’t be Everywhere, So He put His Little Children In a Loving Mother’s Care.
My attitude has been shifting all morning, I don’t know what to think or say. As I scroll down my timeline there it is, post after post news reports about 50 unidentified presumed to be gay individuals who were murdered last night in an Orlando, Florida nightclub. Pulse Nightclub, hailed to be one of the hottest Gay nightclubs in the heart of Orlando and now known to be the scene of the deadliest shooting in U.S. history, ever. As media reports build up, gay community members grieve with similar thoughts of fear and ‘what if’ notions, I can’t help but think what it will take for US to get it. I’d love to say that we live in a proactive nation where things of this sort simply do not happen based on the power of the people. Being gay is all too common for it to still be a relevant issue over war, hunger and human manipulation as to what is really going on in our world. Even those of you reading this have had some sort of an encounter with a gay, lesbian, transgendered and questioning individual. Whether they are your sister, brother, cousin, friend or mother why won’t you stand for them? Fear could be one reason or maybe is that you never felt like you truly should be involved. So now that you are reading this and you see that our world is a discriminatory playground for those to just dedicate all over how do we go on?It’s easy to make an impact without taking a loss, it could be educating someone who utters a gay slur in your presence. Maybe informing your salacious co-worker who thinks it’s okay to call an unfamiliar gay man a faggot. Ignorance cannot be ignored until something like this happens because it could’ve been your family member you read about you this morning. I’ve found myself lost deep in thought erasing, writing and then erasing again not knowing how to put my feelings into words. Although this does not directly affect me and or any members of my family I feel as though it has. I am sad, angry and gay so whom shall I fear?
As I begin to type I immediately feel conflicted about writing an article on someone who I consider to be my ultimate worldly influence, mentor in my head, best friend, favorite female rap artist, hero, I could seriously go on and on about the Queen Bee herself Lil’ Kim. I can remember my first introduction to her as it seems like yesterday and not twenty years ago when I walked into my neighbors house after school to hear an unfamiliar voice coming from their tv room. “…Grab on it quick as this chick get deep” the young girl from Brooklyn uttered as I forgot everything and wanted more, despite being 9 years old I just needed to get to know her. The crass and direct lyrics showcasing her light/deep voiced flow mixed with hood and confidence the pint size rapper was enough for me to know that I was too young for her kind of entertainment. She was a teacher and I was the student eager to learn everything that was Little Kim (at the time). I would then go on a rampage walking 6 miles to Dazz Records which was where you went when you wanted any and everything music back then. I saved all my money to get a cassette single of Junior M.A.F.I.A.’s Get Money. I was sold, her enthusiasm for sexual talk mixed with a diary of street metaphors was enough to let me know that she was THE REAL Queen Bee. The Notorious B.I.G.’s influence along with the Bad Boy Family stamp helped sell her to the world when I had already knew that my loyalty lied with the young Biggie proclaimed queen. Over the years I would absorb everything Kimberly Denise Jones whether it was begging my mother to purchase Right On and Word Up magazines or buying her ‘alleged’ porn tape from the bootleg man I would never not support Kim. She helped me understand what it meant to be different as I was just that, different. An obviously gay Black teenage boy sitting in my room studying her provocative lyrics and ever changing stage looks. For hours hanging up pictures while blaring her lyrics from my CD walkman was the highlight of my days. The internet and social media craze had not been thought about so I had to rely on anything I could get my hands on to re-ignite my fire for Lil’ Kim. One thing was for sure, she always gave something to gush over, remember “titty out like what I don’t give a fuck.”She reminded us in her lyrics of how much of a free spirited chameleon she was and over twenty years later she remains just that.
Which brings me to the point of why I am writing this. After awakening to at least 33 text messages all of the same thing is what alarmed me only to find that they all were about the same thing asking the same question. What happen to Lil’ Kim’s face? Have you seen Kim lately she looks bad? What’s wrong with Lil’ Kim she used to be so pretty? These messages were coming from every which way and much to my dismay even CNN the acclaimed news network had presented the same question. Now everyone who knows me knows that I live for Kimberly and everything that is associated with the Lil’ Kim brand but I could not answer any of those questions. Instead I would immediately defend her and bring up how she has always played with her looks as it is apart of everything Lil’ Kim. Could it have been in relation to a few alleged abusive relationships? These variables may have played a part in her wanting to just adjust her look. Truth is I don’t know what led to Kim possibly playing with her face, I could only speak for my experience when seeing her in person. My dreams of laying my own eyes on the queen would eventually happen around 2011 during a New York stop on her then Return Of The Queen tour. As my sister and I stood in a line that wrapped around the block 3 times I would get more than I bargained for as a pearl two-door Bentley GT coupe would pull up and stop right where we stood. After seeing Kim’s brother Chris, her then make up artist and body guard Big Grizz (yes I know everyone) exit the vehicle I knew this was IT! She graciously exited the vehicle wearing a light pink Juicy Couture sweat suit, a solid four feet eleven and fresh faced as she wanted to be I was in awe. She was nothing like any of the pictures I had seen up until that point. There was clear evidence of her face being slightly lighter but she was beyond beautiful and so naturally still Little Kim. Once inside I would notice how light she really looked and how the make up she wore was mixed with the horrible lighting was not a good mix. I wanted to scream as I knew the internet would have yet another field day tearing down yet another bad photo of Lil’ Kim. Fast-forward four years later to me seeing her again at a ratchet club appearance but I could not resist, it was too close to home and it was the Queen Bee so how couldn’t I. The experience was unparalleled to my previous experience although talks of her appearance were even more prevalent I knew what I was in for and that was a dynamic performance by the Queen herself. I stood directly at the stage throughout the entire time literally having a front-row seat (standing) to get another look at her face. She was nothing short of beautiful and smelled heavenly, although she’s never directly addressed plastic surgery rumors, once again it was evident that her nose was not the same as the one from 96′. Even her ass had a little bit more than Jesus probably intended but we live in an age where everyone with the money to do it plays with their look. With plastic surgery being just as common as going to the nail salon and getting a polish change why is her appearance an issue? As she stood in front of me with better make up, clothing and hair than before she was stunning and looked like money. I had two friends with me whom I had completely tuned out as I was in a daze at the fact that my face had been practically buried in her crotch the entire night, she would even go on to take my iPhone and pose for a selfie. LIT is an understatement spewing out hit after hit as the club shook like a category 5 earth quake. Lil’ Kim was still the Queen Bee and it was felt all around.
So why is her appearance more relevant than any new music or business venture she may be involved in? Maybe it’s because today’s society is made up of superficial values perpetuated by social media likes, blogs and comment sections that usually go against anything that is not depicted to be beautiful, relevant or appropriate to the standards of people who were babies when Lil’ Kim was in prime. Leaving it up to those who know her as the Queen Bee and not Beyonce either (I LOVE BEY THOUGH LOL) to defend her title and legacy. Understanding how she had always played with her look and her as a legend alone is just not to be compared to any other female or rapper for that respect. You can guarantee that a Lil’Kim classic verse will come on while you’re in the club or traffic jam solidifies her as somebody who has done more than had a little work done. So why are we paying more attention to her looks which are not as bad as the media depicts after a little make up play and photo filters. Has her talent been replaced by her ever changing looks enough to ignore her illustrious bars on her new mixtape Lil’ Kim Season? As she quotes in her rendition of Plies’ Ritz Carlton, entitled Fountain Bleu “..a wealthy gutter bitch out of public housing where we scream fuck the where we scream fuck the other side, no arousement Chanel laboard 250 wiley, I’m talking $250,000 ($50,000) spent a wraith off in Neiman Marcus I should get payed to shop at Neiman Marcus.” Lil’ Kim speaks on how being a wealthy, gutter bitch is something she is not new too. Proclaiming her as the Queen Bee more now than ever being on the cusp of an upcoming nation wide tour, new music and many more appearances it seems as if her facial features still won’t hold back her undeniable talent. Having recently attended the Barclays Center Bad Boy Reunion show I can attest to what she told us long ago, she’s rich and she’s gonna stay that so shut up BITCH!
I did’t know what my first post (in three years) would be like, I feel like I have been waiting and waiting for my hopes and dreams to catch up to my reality. I tried to motivate myself time and time again to write because I believe that is why I am here on earth but nothing would come. There was a secret that I was holding from everyone but I knew and it captivated my thoughts daily if not all day than most of the day. FEAR, DOUBT, LAZINESS is what it was, clouded with the perception of myself as is compared to the reality of others. Just as the bible says in (James 2:26) “For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.” Then there is the constant battle within my mind filled with insecurities, ideas and awful suggestions. Who wants to hear from me? This is a question I would often ask myself not recognizing the work I never stopped doing. How I fought for people everyday, provided myself as a living, breathing, walking, talking pillar of strength for people to thrive off of. On the outside I showed nothing but joy and jokes learning to focus on others and deflect the attention from myself and what I wasn’t doing by entertaining uplifting and inspiring when I was half-dead on the inside. Letting my 9 to 5 get the best of me energy wise and the thoughts of not enough time being in a day was another one of my excuses to myself. Listening to how others around me were hustling sometimes as a result of my consultation and inspiration. Now I know what you’re thinking, where is he now? Mentally has he come out of hiding and took the “bib of fear” off allowing himself to just live and get dirty. Trust me I want to say that I have finished my book. I’d love to have been named a published author having at least two or three New York Times Bestseller list publications. Even calling myself a full-time writer/philanthropist/LBGTQ activist having ditched the said two jobs that have kept me bogged down and discouraged for the last 3 years. Instead I have become what most people (especially Americans) have become and that is comforted by Friday nights filled with drinks and food to reflect on the week of work and repetitive complaints about things that only I can change. An Instagram, SnapChat, Facebook, Twitter junkie who is more inclined to telling you all about the latest Beyonce entrance or exit caught by the paps or a dreadful MEME of somebody from the African-American community setting us back thousands of years all in the name of 60 second entertainment that could only result in a ‘like’ and or (usually negative, racist, distasteful) ‘comment.’
Needless to say I am not pleased with myself or the choices I have yet to make that could only make me better, stronger and if nothing else wiser. Now I want you to read this question aloud. Why don’t we push ourselves to be better than what we were yesterday? Could it be that we’ve bought into our everyday lives as our written eternity. Or maybe it’s the fact that we look at our watches everyday not considering how much time plays a part in the short story that is our lives. Not to shift the blame but I believe in the idea that your environment affects your thinking. Ever heard the term misery loves company and how easy it is to allow someone to transfer whatever kind of energy they have onto us. Well that is one way to look at how easy it is to be suckered in to ‘groupthink.’ Living subconsciously in a way that only reflects the things we see and hear that others are doing. Having known all these things you’d think I’d be further in life by now but there’s more. With my 24 hours in a day 13-14 of them are consumed by the jobs I work to pay bills that never seem to go away. When is there time to create or be creative when you leave the house at 5am only to return home at 8pm tired, frustrated and just most times unfulfilled? I’ll answer that of course, there is nothing that happens but a drink, food and some trash reality television while squeezing in the love and affection from my beloved boyfriend of almost 2 years.
As I write this tears well up in my eyes from me knowing the pain while trying to experience the pleasure but I/we must rise. I know how great God has intended me to be but it’s up to me and only me. I have to be my own cheerleader, a liaison to my life and encourage me to put one foot in front of the other to order my steps toward freedom. Not the freedom that Martin Luther King Jr. spoke about or the freedom that Nina Simone or Muhammad Ali viciously spoke on. My freedom is knowing that if I believe it I can achieve it or die trying. My freedom is understanding that most of the things that occupy my time today are merely distractions that causes me to lose out on time. My allowing of others to invade the space in my head and heart causing me to stray from what my purpose is. But now it is time; Time to live, time to create, time to build and time to work!
Let this be testimony to everyone out there surrounded by plight from self inflicted doubt, we shall overcome.
Today could have been so low, the clouds in the sky already set the tone. Waking up I wanted to close my eyes and just go back to not seeing. But once again we must get up and just do our thing. Do you know of anyone that did not wake up?
HIS OUTLOOK: Looking as nice as I can look I rush out the door despite my conflicting feelings and I just go. Another job interview, so I guess that means holding the door for others, pleasantly greeting them with fake smiles and meaningless conversation. I wonder if this Hugo Boss “Pure” I have on is covering up the smog in my attitude. I swear I could have just stayed in bed and pretended to care another time. Sometimes I get jealous, they don’t know though, I really don’t even know who “they” are but I envy them. Man I swear I just put gas in my car and now look I need more but whatever. Arriving here flustered and just out of breath I made it. As I sit and listen to this interviewer I realize that once again I am being proposed with lackluster promises of substantial employment. Hmm I wonder did they even read the resume or am I just another “suit” that they’ll use to fill in the gaps where this company lacks. I have a Bachelor’s degree and a mighty extensive resume but I won’t say. Let me just keep smiling and prove myself through my wit and conversation. Seems like I am being looked over but I won’t assume because that’ll just piss me off and I really need this. Do I really or should I just pretend like I do until everyone knows my name? God I am so talented when will people know?
THEIR OUTLOOK: Wow who is this young black guy with this suit and tie on? Seems like he could potentially be a good kid. Looks as though he works at some kind of corporate place doing business things or maybe he’s going to court. I bet he just holds the door for white women or men of standard not considering me because I’m a young black chic HA! Nice look but why must his beard be that thick oh well I will hold the elevator for him but I will NOT make conversation with this nigger. He is probably here because he thinks he could have a job like mines but it’s not likely; especially for “them.” Well maybe this guy can be good for right now, it wouldn’t matter anyway because he could be replaced if anything…
REALITY: When you awake and realize your living and breathing you should do just that. Take no time to frown, complain or develop feeling of ill will towards the day. Sometimes we go through things to merely learn lessons to help us build upon our lives. Confidence should exude your spirit until it shows through your attitude and character. Life will continue to be unpredictable but you set boundaries for yourself and that’s why you must break them. There’s no reason why you can’t do anything but there are tons of reasons of why you should be doing something. Even I get weak and feel like giving up whether it’s waking up to go look for work or taking the time out to write for this blog but sacrifice breeds success and I refuse to lose. If you not you then who? If not now then when?