Last few days have been a blur of feelings. I’m sure that I’m unsure about almost everything right now…if that makes sense smh who knows…
Im positive that strength runs all though me and it should because I’ve endured quite a bit in my young life. Probably about half of the things I’ve went through nobody knows about because I just carried it on my own. Sometimes you’re forced to buck up and keep going because there’s not a time or place to stop and dwell on the events of your life. I am also guilty of indulging myself in others trying to help orchestrate sense of their lives. When you act with pattern behavior everyone gets used to you doing things a certain way. I bet most of the people around you whether at work or at home feel like they know you a great deal. Most likely they don’t, they know the surface and the things you expose to them. If they see you smiling 5 days out the week and the other 2 days you’re not around them, then they know you right? Of course it’s untrue, we hide behind any everything in order to present ourselves in the lights of our public self. As a young black man I feel like black America and my neighborhood surroundings taught me how to bundle my personal feelings never to be displayed. Men are not supposed to express hurt, anxiety and fear that’s not the manly thing to do and even when you’re gay, you’re still a man. In some ways this has helped me and in others hindered me from being able to seek out clarity in what’s wrong with me. Women are not excluded because they have always been ambushed with so much responsibility that they’re forced to suppress their feelings until they can be released properly. Talking to a girlfriend or family member and often times relating stories or similar past to give the present/future some meaning.
We all should have that voice of reason in front or behind us right? Whether the problem big or small it should be a comfort person that we all can go to and seek clarification on whats really ailing us. I, most of the time can do without talking to others about my personal plight because I have been trained to depend and talk to god but then there are those other things; the other times when you need to vent and be heard. Listening to feedback may not be what you need but the ear and hand of a human support system to ensure you that as long as you need to get it out, someone is there. Connecting with reality can cause you to face it, looking at the mirror of experience can offer much when it comes to making life decisions. If we understand that we all need this, I think it’ll be easier to pull out our feelings and break through. It is a great gift to be strong but feeling weak can sometimes push growth and knowledge.
When I write it’s not only helpful for others to read but it’s the only chance I get to totally relate to my own insecurities, ideas and suggestions.
Find your outlet.