Twisted Elegance

Good morning and happy Friday. I’m so defensive and I know it’s not always right and neither am I but that’s me. Life always causes you to conform based on your living experience. Am I wrong for believing in me more than anyone else?

It’s so hard hearing negative things about you and even harder to not react. My lifestyle (even though I hate that reference) has always caused people to have their own perceptions of me based solely off of what they hear and see. It’s not that often where I’m judged after the person has gotten to know me. Imagine living under a microscope and everyone pointing their finger at you like you’re a science project. Dealing with it used to be harder when I was a child because your skin is softer but as you grow it becomes thicker, if you’re lucky. Lucky to have had a parent or two to help you form and develop that armor you’ll need to survive. This is something that should be understood amongst the world because we’ve all been criticized and judged before at one turn or another. I remember being an only child for quite some time which caused me to have to protect myself. I would often use music, movies and my mind to have an escape from all the negativity around me because I possessed fear of people. Now that I am older I realize that actions speak louder than words but I can make more sense if I combine the two.

Many people think that because I am extroverted and I wear my armor proudly that I am mean, rude and ignorant when I am trying to just maintain my sanity. I love Jesus but I realize I am not him. Stones being thrown, words being slurred and hatred being spewed does not sit well with me and after so many years of dealing with it silently I have to be on guard. Is it wrong to protect yourself by any means necessary? Should I let certain things slide because it’s what Jesus would do? If I were to kill things with kindness, am I killing me? Why is the human reaction always so surprised and reactive when I defend myself ? I thought I was the one that fights for me? These are all the things that I think of when I consider toning myself down. Then I think of how obsolete honesty and respect are in today’s society had I retract all my reservations about myself and realize that I love me too much to just lye down silently.

Everything isn’t for everybody but when it’s in you and for you own it. Do not apologize for the ways of your world because in love & life there is no rewind or do overs. Just protection and precaution that you yourself have to design to fit you.

❤ you

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