Woke up in a haze with the mindset of me just not trusting. When you spend time alone you think so much until it’s too much and your mind starts to battle the rest of you. The biggest problem is with me and I know why.
There’s no way to be when there’s no loyalty. I’m so strict with myself in what I do and how I do. I think about how it killed me to let someone different cut my hair after the same person had done it for so long. I’ve always had the mindset of “riding until the wheels fall off.” When things end or something falls apart its sometimes hard for to just jump ship because I believe in loyalty so much but it doesn’t matter if what you’re believing in doesn’t acknowledge you or the belief. You can trust someone with your whole entire life and still not have their loyalty; you’ll get love before they hand over that. It’s like basically signing a contract to only wear this one clothing brand with no exceptions, who wants to do that? Should loyalty be of convenience or based upon the weight of the situation?
Decisions can often be made without thinking twice about it and they’re usually the decisions that tear you apart the most. There have been times where I just thought I knew everything there was to know about a person until I figure out that I didn’t know them at all. Seeing how quickly they fold and leave me to battle myself as to why I even entrusted them with my faith. When you continuously get pushed up against the same wall with negative results you look at yourself as if you’re the only one living by these rules. Loyalty attached to love, life and time can bring about hurtful consequences. Harsh realities of no one being there to catch your fall can cause you to hate the person in the mirror for being so damn protective of all things but yourself.
Gotta learn to live with guidelines is what we tell ourselves. The older I get the wiser I get right? What happens when you cross an unrecognizable person or path that leads you in an unfamiliar direction but resemble things of your past? I don’t believe in punishing anyone for someone else’s past mistakes or wrong doings to me. I believe in carrying the torch all the way to the finish line and representing what I stand for until there’s nothing less. This is something I hate myself for because time spent being loyal and trustworthy can become time waste stolen and forgotten. Broken hearts, spirits and lives can lead to you hating yourself for eternity. Nobody wants to have to pick themselves up off the ground so, how can we avoid the fall? Nothing ever looks the same but if you know you it’s easy to recognize what you should do? I ask questions that I often times know the answer to and I have battles with my heart and subconscious about exactly who’s right. I know that I will never become a disloyal person walking around with armor on betraying whomever just to protect myself. Although it sounds easy for my mind, body, heart and soul will it pay off for the benefit of the greater good? Life is to be lived and experience with lessons learned. Abandoning what you believe in out of fear can result in the adaptions of worse things that could make you go crazy.
For now I’ll accept the fact that I’m loyal but not give everything in me to do so. When the signs of default are there I will not ignore then without knowing all of the consequences I face. Hopefully this won’t kill me but make me stronger.