Woke up feeling free. Not free like I’d do things without getting paid but free of any pressures of the world and what have you…
I grew up with a militant mind. My mother was not strict at all she just always told me the truth, included in that truth was what she expected of me. Still there was no pressure to be anything but myself. It was I who put enormous amounts of pressure on myself. Being so cautious as to not piss anyone off with my character I would reinvent myself depending upon my surroundings. Sometimes I wouldn’t even talk because I feared not being able to say the right things at the right times. This was all centered around one thing, my sexuality. The taboo of everyone else’s world but mine. I would try to hard to be the best at everything just to try to get people to forget or ignore the fact that I was gay. Does anyone realize how hard it is to be a Black man in America? A Black man in America up against poverty-stricken resources. Let’s add one more pitfall to that, how is it to be a young Black man growing up in an impoverished background & gay? There’s more obscurities than bright flower fields trust me.
Relaxing was something my mind would not do because of my own insecurities, ideas and suggestions. I would detach myself from reality because my insides were literally going crazy. I just wanted to know how to live freely without other people’s opinions being the master of my destiny. School nor work could teach me the realities of self-love, just time. The keys to breaking through is time and experience when you have both of these you’re bound to see what you need to be. Realizing who you are shows you how to do more for you and less for everyone else. When I meet people now it’s so easy to enjoy the newness of strangers in my world because I can just be myself. I love when someone says “you’re a cool person or I like you” it reminds me that I am simply good enough. The days of me using my time to try to convince others to love and embrace me are all gone. Replaced by me giving myself time to breathe and take it all in. “It” would be my me, myself in the most natural state possible, living. Hate and blame were replaced by love and embrace, damn it feels good. The visions in my mind were playing a major part in me not being happy.
I promise you today is not yesterday and all things have an ending. Let them end in happy.
(Thank You Sam for “The Power of the Subconscious Mind)
Vashon Wade 2012❤