I’ve been quiet for some days. I have to literally shut my mouth and pretend to be bothered just to be left alone. Once I do that I can think and know…
I’m so fearful of not knowing that I spoil things for myself. I cannot believe that I still struggle with not trusting my fear enough to go on. Maybe if I wasn’t so afraid I would probably have fulfilling experiences with greater triumphs. You ever wonder why you’re so scared to pursue something that you feel should happen? I remember when I was smaller, I was so afraid of everything. I held so much fear in myself that I was afraid to let my friends know when I was afraid of something. Smh, knowing what I know now I can laugh at it but it felt so real back then. Whenever I was faced with an unfamiliar situation I would avoid the pursuit. Meeting new people, tasting unfamiliar foods or going places beyond my knowledge just didn’t happen. Strange or different was not comforting for me whatsoever. I had ideas of how bad failing/falling was and knew that it could potentially harm me. To avoid what I thought would hurt me, I just stayed in my comfort zone. Doing everything the same way made me feel at ease. By me doing that I wasted so much time and ended up falling harder than I had ever imagined. As time went on I began to feel alone and depressed when I knew I was too young to feel that way. I had so many dreams that I thought should stay dreams because of the fear. The fear of not knowing what would happen if I tried. Believing in me was just not an option. While everyone else was out being a young kid enjoying the unknowns of life, I stayed in. Mentally, emotionally and physically I stayed inside myself. As my body grew with my age fear became much more apparent.
When you grow up shouldn’t certain things just dissipate? If you don’t know something it should be found out but at what costs? Should your subconscious dictate your growth or experience? As I grew I saw myself missing out on how important fear was to me. Fear was meant to be in place for me to fall. Falling and failing had to happen in order for me to get to know myself. All of the things I saw before me were done out of fear. I always stood on the sidelines of other’s accomplishments wishing that it were me. I never realized how they had used fear as ammunition to supersede their own expectations. I appreciate being afraid now because it confirms that I’m heading in the right direction. Fear is merely a push that you can let knock you down or vice versa.
You scared yet?